Saturday

Saturday was bootcamp day. Last week's bootcamp was super good because it was inside and we got to use the gym equipment so more upper body work. I was sore for days.

This week was good too because there were only 3 of us and at first there were only 2. Usually I do it at my sister's pace which is not my pace. This week she was late so I did it at the-other-girl's pace. Much more challenging (no offense to my sis).

On another note: I put out a video on YT basically saying I wasn't going to make a bunch of videos about trying to lose weight. I am sick to death of doing it and undoing it. I said I would make a video when I had actually done something like lose 20 pounds. I am making an effort right now, I just am not going to document it in videos out of fear of having to repeat myself in a year.

It is really hard to beat the mental barrier. My biggest mental barrier is this. I've lost weight before and gained it back. The logical state of things is: if I lose it I will gain it back. I see it in other people too. This is the way things tend to happen so logically that is likely how it will be. Yes, a self defeating attitude I know but it is really hard to see past the logic.

You know that wildly successful self help book told people that you just had to think about things happening and they would happen? Well I thought that was complete crap but maybe there is a small grain of truth to it. I have to believe I can do it. I have to leave logic behind and take a leap of faith that I actually can be what I want to be. I have to somehow thing positively. Maybe I have never actually believed that I can do it???

I have spent my life thinking in a negative manner. I am a glass half empty kind of person. Maybe that is the root of things?

I was raised by a recklessly positive person. She is over the top positive and maybe I learned early on that what she says does not always happen. I actually get annoyed at inflated optimism.

So anyways... I have got the exercise on track. I am not running but I am moving. I just am quite afraid of wrecking something by running at this weight. I am not 25 anymore and the body is not as forgiving.

I have decided that when we move I AM buying a treadmill. To hell with saving money. Some things are worth it. I can walk on an incline for long stretches of time and the incline puts my heart rate up. Once I can run more a treadmill will get me through the cold ass winter.

Anyways... blah to the blah blah.